Bull Shit Part 2

I will not delete the first part to this blog because it's what I was feeling at the moment.
I was being influenced by what most of the world was telling me.
I still don't know if they were right or if what I believed coming out from your mouth was really true.
It sucks because a part of me really does believe you, however just knowing that you're sort of lying to her makes me wonder if you are to me.
All I know is that I don't like the feeling of being angry with you.
I miss you so much.
I know that I being the way I was these couple of days most likely pushed you away and I completely understand.

list of things i wish i could tell you...

• i miss you
• i hate that i'm thinking of you 98% of the time i am conscious
• i feel like you're so wrong for me, yet so right
• i think you're cocky (and it kinda annoys me sometimes)
• i hate you not expressing what you want
  
• i hate the fact you keep me staring at my phone
• it's a blur when i think back to when we didn't talk
• i hate you're unfinished thoughts
• i love your unpredictably
  
• i miss our late night conversations
• i hate feeling not good enough
• i hate feeling like you don't think of me
• i dislike the fact you don't take care of your money
• i hate the fact everyone hates the fact i have feelings for you
• i hate when you text me a trillion hours later
• i hate when you don't text or call me at all
• i hate how you notice everything
• i hate not knowing what you're thinking
• i hate that you turned me into that girl i used to make fun of
• i hate that i like you for all the things i hate about you.
  

i'm sick

and tired with myself.

i'm tired of staring at the phone. i feel like an idiot.

truly, i f ing need something to be done with me.

never could i of thought i would be that pathetic girl.

i'm so f ing frustrated with myself.

this blows holmes.



:p

Bull Shit

is what I'm beginning to figure out you gave me. My temper and my anger is one that i haven't experience in such a long long time. I know that in a way I'm one to blame as well because i let this go on. Giving me this whole BS that I was the one person you saw me having your child with and that one day even if i got over you you'd do whatever it took to win me back. BS. Simple as that. You saying those things seem to only be words to feed to me in order for me to wait for you. You know what? I'm worth so much more than what you know. I'm not an everyday slut that sleeps with guys and wants drama and attention. I'm so much more than that. If you really did mean all the BS you told me you would do whatever it took to be with me now. Just f it. I'm done.

So sad...

It's sad how hard it is to forgive nowadays. I understand that when you are hurt by a person, all you want to do it hope that they one day will know how you felt. I understand that time after time after them doing their wrongdoings to you it's even harder because you don't believe they are truly sorry. I get that. I've been there. I still come across that too. However, I've reflected with myself and thought, how is me wishing bad upon someone going to help my situation? If you think about it it's not really going to make a difference. I mean if they ever are in the situation you were in, is it really going to stop them from doing it again? I don't know. I wouldn't think so. At least for the most part. Life is way too short for wasting time on nonsense grudges. I know that there are exceptions though. I simply think it's really incredibly sad how much time is wasted on desiring bad things upon people. Just live you're life and let it go. God will always take care of the rest.

Everyday

that passes by is a blessing to me. There's always that something in the back of my mind asking myself "will I be here tomorrow"? "Will I see this person again"? I admit it's a very scary thought. I've been feeling this way since Robert passed away. He was an example of someone I took for granted. He was the one person I thought would always be there regardless. Everyday I miss him, some more than others. However, he has been a life lesson to me. He taught me that everything can be gone in a matter of seconds. Any little thing and it's over. Done. It's sad, but it is life. We pay the price the moment we take our first breath. Life is beautiful but there will always be pain to be felt along the way. It does hurt to think about him still. I hate remembering that time in my life when he had just passed away. I lost my brother and my only true best friend I ever had and ever will have. It's simply something that has been on my mind for quite a while. I guess it's sort of time to bring it out in the open, at least to myself.

maybe

this could have been.

god only knows why though.

it's not like i want you to leave her.

what bothers me and hurts me is that you don't even try to ask me to stay or wait.

maybe it's because you don't want me to.

maybe you just want what's best for me and you feel like that's not you.

it's fine.

i'll be fine.

i'm not angry with you.

i care about you a lot.

but i know that the outcome will unveil itself on it's own.

my heart is kinda achy

she says... what can i do to make it feel better?


figure it out.