how do i feel?

i 'll tell you how i feel.

i'm so friggin scared.
i feel like im on a friggin little tiny string that's about to break.
i'm confused on the uncertainty that there is.
how do i know i'm not just gunna end up being one more of your stories of girls?
i'm at a point where i don't even know what we should do but it's soo hard because i don't want to loose what we have. ughh!!!

I'm frustrated....

It's amazing

how quickly somebody can disappear.


trust me.


i know



.

i'm so f ing

sprung.





it's sad. ha.

today i

woke up at 3:30am
drove to hollywood
waited in line for about 3 hours
met an amazing homeless guy
interacted with so many different people from all over the country
met a couple who were married for 57 years
went to the grove to eat breakfast with my sis
walked back to the cbs studio
waited 3 more hours to go inside the studio
met drew carry
was in audience for the price is right
ran back to the car while it was pouring rain
was in rush hour traffic
and now home.
it was a really fun day. :)

waiting

walking back in forth. knowing you weren't coming but had hope that when i walked out you'd be there. i am upset but i know there's a reason for everything. i know that one day we will solve this unknown situation that we have. to be honest i am so confused. i don't know what you want and i don't think you know what you want either. i'm not asking for a relationship at least not now but i just hope you can figure out who it is you want. i think it's unfair to her and in a way unfair to me. i'm not angry with you. all I want is for you to figure out your feelings and you to be with the girl who will make you happier.

today

i had one of the most awkward, guilty, and sad moments of my life. i see his dad and out of not being rude i say hello while he waits for him. then i see him walking towards me. i can feel his pain from looking into his eyes. a simple hug hello. he tells me i look beautiful. i say thank you. i see his face and he's about to start crying. i ask him not to. i say i have to go. i walk away.

i feel like crap.

oh my geez

Valentine's Day is in 13 days!!

haha

this will be my first year in 3 years that i don't have a valentine.

ha.

oh wells, minus will take a break i guess :)

i'm broke either way.

hahaha

My culture

I never realized how beautiful my culture is. I am Mexican from both of my parents. My mom is from Tijuana and my dad is from Mexico City. In my mom's side of the family we have some Native American from my great great grandmother. She was from a small tribe in Arizona and she was a redhead with green eyes. She headed down to Mexico where she met my great great grandfather. He had some sort of Spanish in him and he had brown hair and green eyes. Then my great grandma(who i consider my grandma because she raised my momma)came along and she had my grandma and my grandma had my mom. Then on my dad side I just know we are Mexican, haha but i do know that at some point in time I had family who were Aztecs. I don't know I guess I just find it fascinating how the Mexican Culture came about. I took a Art History class of Mexico last semester and it just made me appreciate where i come from more. I feel bad for people who are ashamed of their culture or don't try to learn more about it because the Mexican history and art is so beautiful.

sometimes

I think to myself how it would be if my parents never had met and i wasn't born. Where would they be right now? Who would they be? I mean the only reason they ever stayed together was because of me. I truly do appreciate the fact that my dad didn't leave. I am grateful I have him even though he can be a pain in the ass most of the time. He's way to overprotective, he offends me, he has a huge temper, he is so immature but I prefer having him the way he is than not having him at all. I know that if it wasn't for him being the way he is I would probably be a knocked up high school drop out. However he implemented and carved in my brain how important it is to be somebody in life. That is the greatest gift i could ask for. Because of him I believe I'm so patient and forgiving. I think those two qualities are very difficult to come by from most people and those are the two qualities I feel make me the way i am. My dad is my dad and I love him so much. Underneath the temper, the immaturity, and the offends he is one of the most wonderful people I know. He has a very good heart and underneath is very sensitive. He is portrayed by being a mean and cold hearted person but in reality he is a wonderful man.